How to Set Boundaries (Without Isolating Yourself or Alienating Others)
Boundaries are having a moment. It’s been hard to avoid all the advice about how to set healthy boundaries. Lately, I’ve also heard a lot of push back - “enough with all the boundary talk already!” From what I’ve seen and heard, there’s been a lot of confusion around boundaries. Work to create and hold boundaries seems to frequently be resulting in more confusion and upset than understanding and connection.
I’ve heard boundaries used as a defense to avoid conflict and difficult conversations. I’ve heard stonewalling rebranded as boundary setting. I’ve heard boundaries confused as justification for prioritizing our own desires over everyone else’s.
This is a problem.
Boundaries are really important. They represent our outer limits. They help keep us safe, aligned with our values and help us act with integrity.
But the way we’re talking about boundaries right now seems to be focused on self preservation and separateness with a lack of compassion and empathy (for self and others).
Boundaries are not demands or requests.
Boundaries are not punishment.
Boundaries are not a means to change or control other peoples’ behaviors.
Having boundaries does not protect us against interpersonal conflict or upset.
Boundaries are limits we set for ourselves based on what is acceptable and unacceptable to us. Boundaries don’t require anyone else to do anything. Sometimes, boundaries are just with ourselves (think boundaries around bedtime and screen use).
Examples of boundaried behavior:
I don’t answer my phone during work hours/during my workout/after 10pm, etc
I don’t justify or explain my personal decisions to people who don’t have a say / people I don’t trust/ when I’m sensing criticism or judgment (instead of curiosity or compassionate concern).
I don’t continue to engage in a conversation when there is name calling, blaming, yelling, etc
In relationships I value/trust, I let someone know how I’m feeling.
steps To Setting Boundaries
(Borrowing From Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent communication)
Identify your feelings and needs
Identifying our own boundaries requires some self reflection and honesty. Our emotions will often let us know when we might have an interpersonal boundary issue. We might notice feelings of frustration or resentment and thoughts that others are taking advantage of us. Behaviorally, we might start avoiding interactions, catch ourselves lying, or erupting in anger outbursts.
Take time to reflect on the relationship and situation and identify your feelings and needs - boundaries are about meeting our needs. Consider your values here and how you want to show up in this situation (e.g. with honesty/compassion/self respect).
What’s important to you here?
What need/value is not being met?
Push your thoughts until you find a need that doesn’t require anything from anyone else. Although strategies to meet our needs often refer to actions by other people, we are responsible for meeting our own needs and that does not require a specific action by any specific person.
2. Take Responsibility for your own Emotions (and let others take responsibility for theirs)
Other people’s behavior does not cause our feelings (and vice versa). While someone’s behavior might be the stimulus for our feelings, it is not the cause. It’s our own needs, desires, expectations, values, and thoughts that cause our feelings. Therefore, other people are not responsible for our feelings and we are not responsible for theirs. When we take responsibility for others’ feelings, we are more likely to experience them as burdensome and experience guilt when asserting our own needs.
Feelings of guilt and responsibility for others’ emotions often get in the way of setting boundaries.
Holding tightly to the idea that others must change in order for our needs to be met often results in ‘boundaries’ that read more like demands and ultimatums — others don’t often respond positively when they sense you are trying to change or control them.
3. Take Responsibility for your own Behaviors
While we’re not responsible for other people’s feelings/needs, it’s important (if we’re looking to feel connected with ourselves and others) that we’re honest with ourselves about our intentions and actions. Ask yourself:
Am I attempting to meet my needs at the expense of others?
Am I trying to meet a need or am I trying to punish/teach a lesson/control?
4. Be Honest about unhelpful avoidance
It can be really hard to voice our own needs. Many of us are so conflict avoidant that we will either continue to tolerate a situation that does not work for us (leading to disconnection with ourselves and others) or abandon the situation altogether — e.g. leaving a relationship or quitting a job.
I think there are few circumstances (and of course there are some) when leaving without first asserting your needs or attempting to change your own behavior to establish boundaries is preferable. Cutting off someone you’re close with takes a tremendous amount of emotional energy.
5. Practice Perspective Taking
Take some time to consider the other person’s perspective - can you find some empathy or understanding (not necessarily agreement)? What need of theirs might they be trying to meet?
Nobody can make us feel or do anything.
Blaming others for our feelings (e.g. She’s making me so angry) or denying responsibility for our actions (e.g. I had no choice) disconnects us from ourselves and others.
6. Hold it Gently
Boundaries don’t have to be rigid rules we adhere to 100% of the time. Getting better at checking in with your own feelings and needs/values can help bring some flexibility to your boundary. When you start to trust yourself to have your own back and take responsibility for your own needs, you’ll likely find yourself being more gracious to others. When we’re just starting to practice boundary setting, we often over do it to start and recalibrate as needed - have some grace for yourself as you find this balance.
7. Communicate the Boundary
While not all boundaries have to be communicated, it’s often helpful to let other people know where we stand and why we’re changing our behavior - I think it’s often better to over communicate in these cases than risk under communicating and leaving your behavior open to assumption and interpretation - (the type of relationship will matter here)
When communicating, remember to take responsibility for your own emotions (leave out blaming and judgmental language). Let the other person know how you’re feeling and what you need. While you can make a request, make sure to include how you will behave differently in order to meet your own needs. (i.e. I’d really appreciate it if you'd call me in the early evening. I want to let you know that I will not answer my phone after 10pm).
Other people don’t have to ‘respect’ your boundary or even agree with it. That’s the point of making it about your own behavior. They might argue or attempt to negotiate with you. My recommendation in most cases is to empathize and validate while still holding your boundary. You might even be able to speak to the other person’s needs or fears (e.g. this is not about how much I love you, this is about taking care of myself).
8. Expect and prepare for some discomfort
Many people report feelings of guilt when setting/holding boundaries. It can be helpful to remember that we’re not responsible for other people’s feelings or meeting other people’s needs. I think it’s also helpful to recognize the difference between helpful and unhelpful guilt. Helpful guilt nags at us when we’ve behaved against our values - it helps push us toward what matters to us (perhaps we’ve set a boundary that’s too rigid and we want to adjust). This is different from the discomfort we might feel when asserting and meeting our own needs - particularly if this is a new behavior and especially if you’ve previously been reinforced for denying your own needs. This nagging “guilt” is more likely pushing us back toward old patterns that feel comfortable but that no longer serve us. This discomfort requires time and self compassion.
Simple Example: partner continues to talk to you after you’ve shared you’re working on an important project and would appreciate quiet.
A boundary is not:
Continuing to ask/request
Being noisy the next time they ask for quiet
Responding with passive aggression (short responses, tense tone, eye rolls, sighs)
Accusing them of being rude, disrespectful, etc.
A boundary is:
Finding a way to meet your own need
headphones, shutting the door, leaving the apt, not answering their questions (it’s helpful to communicate this plan).
Can sound like (if you choose to communicate), “This project is important to me and I really need to focus, so I’m going to put my headphones on. I’m looking forward to hearing about your day when I’m finished.”
helpful Questions to ask ourselves:
What am I feeling?
What do I need? What is my value? What’s important to me here?
Have I communicated my concerns and needs to the other person?
Am I making assumptions about the other person’s intent?
Am I making moralistic judgements about the other person?
What behaviors of mine (if any) are sending the message that I am okay with this situation/behavior?
Am I attached to a certain way I want things to go (often leading us to try to change/control the other person)?
Am I blaming the other person for how I am feeling?
Am I taking responsibility for the other person’s emotions?
What would I do differently if I knew the other person was doing their best/was not going to change?
Learning to identify and hold boundaries that foster healthy and satisfying relationships is hard work. It gets easier with practice. Have some grace and compassion with yourself as you attempt this.
If you think you might benefit from one-on-one support with interpersonal communication and relationships, please reach out to schedule a consultation with me.
Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. PuddleDancer Press.