Six Tips for Letting Go of Resentment

Resentment is a tricky emotion. It quietly takes root and gradually builds over time. I know I’m feeling resentment when I catch myself keeping score or building a mental case against someone. I feel the tension and heat of frustration and the sinking feeling of sadness and disappointment. There’s regret at my own past behaviors and a touch of self righteousness. It’s the worst. My thoughts are judgemental and blaming and very sticky. Left unchecked, resentment is the feeling that most often results in behavior that requires apology from me. When resentment is driving the bus, I’m far from behaving in a way that aligns with my values and even further from getting my needs met.

Resentment is a complex, multilayered emotion often associated with a perceived sense of unfairness or mistreatment, or unmet expectations. We might experience resentment if there’s a perceived power imbalance, a lack of appreciation, or unbalanced distribution of responsibilities or contributions. 

Holding onto and nurturing resentments is bad for health and relationships.

Below are six strategies I’ve found helpful in letting go of resentment:

• Name the Emotion(s)

  This is a prerequisite for handling resentment. First we have to notice that we’re experiencing it. It’s helpful to also narrow in on the sub emotions, like hurt or disappointment. 

• Check in with your needs

  In Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart, she discusses her surprise at learning from Mark Brackett (Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence) that resentment is part of the envy family, not the anger family. She suggests that when we notice resentment, we pause and ask ourselves, what does this person have that I want/need and am not asking for? Why it’s so hard to voice our needs and desires is a different question (and a different blog post).

• Check in with values

  Behavior driven by resentment is often harmful and not usually something we’re proud of. These behaviors might include cultivating guilt, shaming, or complaining about someone to other people. It’s helpful to ask, “how do I want to show up in this situation?” “what kind of friend/partner/sister/etc. do I want to be?” 

• Check the narrative you're creating

When resentment is building, it can color our perspective. We might find ourselves assuming negative intent and attaching labels to people (e.g. inconsiderate, selfish, etc). If you notice this, try to consider the most generous interpretation for the other person’s behavior. This question can widen perspective and get you out of that tunnel vision. 

Ask yourself if you’re playing the victim: When resentment is building, we’re  more likely to blame and find fault than take responsibility for the situation. Ask: How can I meet my own needs? Have I voiced my expectations? Am I continuing to engage in behavior that I’m going to resent? What am I gaining from being the “victim?” — these are tough questions. 

• Notice where you’re going

  When resentment is driving the bus, we’re typically only going further away from what we really want - resentment builds distance within relationships and kills intimacy. It can be helpful to stop and notice where we’re  going and ask ourselves, “what’s the end game here? How far are you going to take this?” 

• Practice self distancing

  When resentment has its hold, thoughts can get sticky. We often find ourselves ruminating about and reliving past ‘wrongs.’ Distancing ourselves from the incident can be helpful. A great strategy for this is to imagine the situation from a third person perspective (e.g. fly on the wall). This practice can be helpful in bringing down the emotional intensity around the situation.     

When I notice resentment, it’s helpful to check in on these prompts and regulate my emotions (going for a walk is my preferred strategy) before bringing the issue to the person I’m upset with. There are some times that working through these prompts leads to the conclusion that I can let this go without having a conversation about it (typically when there’s some emotional immaturity on my part). If I decide I want to share my needs with the other person, these prompts help me own my part and be clear about what I’m asking for. 

If you’re having trouble letting go of resentment and want support working through it, please reach out for a free consultation.

Resources:

Ayduk O, Kross E. From a distance: implications of spontaneous self-distancing for adaptive self-reflection. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2010 May;98(5):809-29. doi: 10.1037/a0019205. PMID: 20438226; PMCID: PMC2881638.

Brown, Brené. 2021. Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. New York, Random House.