New Year, New Boundaries
A friend of mine recently said, “ I really hate to use this word, but I think I need some boundaries with my family.” Like many, she had previously rolled his eyes at the word boundary. I don’t blame her. Boundaries are still talked about as a relationship cure-all and are often misrepresented. It seems we’ve all decided that rules, limits, requests, and ultimatums are inherently unhealthy, so we’ve just branded everything as a boundary with the assumption that all boundaries are a healthy expression of self respect that must be honored.
Boundaries are not a cure-all. And not all boundaries are “healthy.” Boundaries are the rules or limits we have for ourselves around what we will and will not do, what we can and cannot tolerate. Boundaries alone will not save an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship. But they are an important part of maintaining healthy relationships and preventing burnout and resentment. And despite what they might say, most everyone already has boundaries - even if they aren’t aware of what they are.
There are a lot of metaphors to help us think about boundaries. Because this is Blue Bridge Therapy, I’ll use a suspension bridge. Like the bridge, boundaries offer a way to connect safely.
The cables on a suspension bridge offer strength and stability while being flexible - they allow the bridge to sway with wind or movement.
If too rigid, they would be prone to breaking. If too loose, the bridge becomes unsafe and unreliable. If the bridge is too narrow, connection is difficult.
The boundaries we hold with other people are meant to help us connect - but we get into trouble when they are too rigid or too loose. They are often counterproductive when we don’t include space for compassion and empathy. Consistent but flexible boundaries build trust for ourselves and our relationships.
As my friend, who loves her family deeply but was becoming exacerbated and resentful, came to understand, setting boundaries is an essential part of maintaining our well-being and protecting our relationships. They do not have to come from a place of rigidity and egocentrism. Boundaries can help us protect our energy, manage our relationships, and stay true to our values, but when applied too strictly or without consideration for context, they can lead to isolation or conflict.
To help you set boundaries that are aligned with your values this year, here are a list of common difficulties, tips, and tricks for setting boundaries that balance autonomy with care and compassion:
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Setting boundaries that are too strict can create unnecessary distance in relationships. This sometimes happens because:
We fear being taken advantage of
The boundary is rooted in resentment and blame
We don’t trust ourselves to hold our boundaries
Recognize that flexibility can be part of healthy boundaries. Sometimes, compromise is needed for the sake of connection or practicality. Often, we only recognize we need a boundary when we feel overwhelmed or exhausted. Setting extra strict boundaries won’t undo the past. Work to take accountability and focus on what works best for you and the relationship moving forward. goes here
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The decision to communicate a boundary—or how explicitly you communicate it—depends on many factors, including the dynamics of the relationship, the emotional maturity of the other person, and the context. In certain situations, it might be more beneficial to maintain subtle or internal boundaries rather than being overt. In other situations, explicit communication is helpful and expecting others to intuitively understand our boundaries without clearly stating them can lead to confusion and upset.
Over-communicating boundaries might happen because:
We want to feel justified in our boundaries.
We want the other person to apologize or recognize our needs.
We want others to understand why we are saying "no" and feel validated in our decisions.
We haven’t recognized how we are complicit in the current situation.
We have not accepted that we can’t change the other person.
We haven’t noticed that arguing about boundaries is part of a pattern that we are feeding.
We feel guilty and we want others to agree with our decision
Under communicating might happen because:
We might assume others “should” know how we feel and what we need.
Communicating boundaries can be uncomfortable.
We’re unsure what exactly our boundary is.
We don’t trust ourselves not to be negotiated out of our boundaries.
It’s helpful to first get really clear with yourself about your boundary and the value behind it. Consider the type of relationship and your relational goals. Consider the other person's emotional maturity and ability to tolerate boundary setting. Try to connect with the other person’s values and needs/fears and how this might affect them. When communicating, be direct, specific, and compassionate. Avoid over explaining or justifying but do offer compassion and empathy for the other person.
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Many people experience guilt or shame when setting a boundary. This can result in loose or inconsistent boundaries and over explaining and justifying boundaries. This might happen because:
We are not used to and therefore are uncomfortable with disappointing others or asserting our own needs.
We fear disappointing others or being perceived as selfish.
Our boundary is too rigid or an attempt to control or punish.
First, check in with yourself. Is your boundary rooted in your values and needs? Was there any covert attempt at manipulating, cultivating guilt, or punishing? Guilt is a useful emotion when it keeps us aligned with our values. This is often not the case when we feel “guilty” while setting a boundary. Remind yourself that it makes sense to feel uncomfortable when you begin to set boundaries. Remember - boundaries are a way to honor both your needs and the needs of others. Practicing self-compassion can help reduce guilt.
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There’s a lot of focus right now on prioritizing ourselves and holding boundaries. I think our boundaries can start to feel like walls and lead to separation and potentially isolation when we fail to take the perspective of others. Empathizing and working to see another perspective does not jeopardize our boundaries - it helps us come from a place of compassion. When we look at boundary setting as a zero sum game or with a scarcity mindset, we are more likely to experience disconnection.
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I think this might be the one that gets people in the most trouble and leads to confusion over what a boundary is. We all have a right to feel safe within our relationships and boundaries help us do that. Incompatible boundaries and values require difficult and honest conversations.
When thinking about boundaries, I think it’s really important to understand if they are rooted in our values or our anxieties/insecurities. When we expect other people to limit their autonomy or betray themselves to help us feel more comfortable, we might want to examine our boundaries and what we are doing to manage our own anxieties. This is a nuanced topic and difficult to make generalized and extreme (always/never) rules around (e.g. when recovering from infidelity, we might expect our partner to limit certain behaviors to help us feel more secure). That said, you can consider the following as guidelines as you examine your boundaries:
Practice perspective taking and understand how your boundary affects the other person.
This does not mean we take responsibility for their feelings or betray our own needs for theirs.
Get clear on motivating factors.
Engage in open conversations about values and needs.
Remember boundaries are about our own limits and behaviors - sometimes this means we walk away. Be honest with yourself if you’re using a threat to leave as an attempt to manipulate or control.
Boundaries are meant to support us, not constrain us. If you are struggling to navigate boundary setting, you might want to consider working with a therapist specializing in interpersonal relationships. If you’d like to schedule a free consultation, please reach out below.