Navigating Difficult Conversations and Resolving Conflict
If you find yourself avoiding or delaying conflict and difficult conversations you’re not alone. These conversations can be particularly tricky when having them with someone we care about. Talking ourselves out of these conversations might sound like:
There’s no point bringing this up, nothing will change.
Too much time has passed to bring it up. I’ll wait until it happens again.
This is not worth fighting about. I’ll just get over it.
I’ll vent about this with a friend to get it out of my system.
I’m probably being over sensitive. It’s not really a big deal.
Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship and how we handle it can significantly impact the health and longevity of our relationships.
As tempting as it is to ignore the issue and hope it goes away, avoiding conflict is often a fast track to resentment. Rather than avoiding or escalating disagreements, addressing them constructively can lead to stronger bonds and better understanding. it stand out
The best way I know to navigate difficult conversations and resolve conflict is by utilizing Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication. Below is a brief summary of my understanding of NVC based on Rosenberg’s books and interviews. I recommend everyone read Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication A Language of Life for a more in depth understanding.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) often gets reduced to a 4-step assertive communication guide. While there are four steps to the process, there are core tenets that must be understood to really grasp the essence of the process.
It’s in our nature to enjoy giving and receiving compassionately. Societal norms and expectations sometimes move us away and disconnect us from this natural predisposition which can result in feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Other people’s behavior does not cause our feelings (and vice versa). While someone’s behavior might be the stimulus for our feelings, it is not the cause. It’s our own needs, desires, expectations, values, and thoughts that cause our feelings. Therefore, other people are not responsible for our feelings and we are not responsible for theirs. When we take responsibility for others’ feelings, we are more likely to experience them as burdensome and experience guilt when asserting our own needs.
When we attempt to meet our needs at the expense of others’, the result is often unsatisfying. While we do not accept responsibility for the needs of others, it’s vital that we take responsibility for our own intentions and actions. The goal (because we are compassionate by nature) is to meet our needs while respecting the needs of others. When we respond to others’ needs out of compassion (instead of fear or guilt), our efforts can be mutually fulfilling.
Needs are universal; strategies to meet those needs are individual. Our needs do not require specific action by any specific person. Strategies to meet our needs on the other hand (think wants, requests, solutions) might refer to actions by certain people. The focus of NVC is on meeting needs (not wants). Examples of universal needs include autonomy, belonging, cooperation, joy, peace, and understanding.
Before we get into the process of communicating nonviolently, or communicating without causing harm, let’s first touch on a few violent communication habits most of us engage in:
Moralistic Judgements speak to what is right/wrong or good/bad and include criticism, labels, blame, and comparisons. According to Marshall Rosenberg, moralistic judgements are indirect and ineffective ways people attempt to get their needs met.
Hint: when moralistic judgements are directed inward, we often feel shame and guilt. When directed outward, we often feel anger.Denying Responsibility: Nobody can make us feel or do anything. Blaming others for our feelings (e.g. She’s making me so angry) or denying responsibility for our actions (e.g. I had no choice) disconnects us from ourselves and others.
Making Demands: Many of us communicate our desires as demands by overtly or covertly threatening punishment or shame. When others meet our demands out of guilt or fear, the relationship suffers.
Nonviolent Communication involves a four part process. Not all four parts have to be verbally communicated, but it’s helpful to bring awareness to all four. This process can be used to communicate about our own needs or hear and respond to others’ requests and comments.
Observation: Observe what is actually happening without evaluation or judgment. This sounds like, “When I see/hear/remember/imagine…”
Feelings: Identify the emotion(s) you’re feeling. NVC warns against feeling words that include implications about others' behaviors. These include words like abandoned, overlooked, pressured, judged, unappreciated. In a way, this denies responsibility for our own feelings. Work to dig deeper and identify a feeling that doesn’t have a covert accusation attached.
Hint: If your sentence starts with “I feel like/that …” You’re about to share a thought, not a feeling (e.g. “I feel that you’re being unfair” doesn’t share a feeling, it shares a thought. The feeling might be aggravation or resentment).Needs: Identify the need or value that is driving your feelings. This is actually really hard. We don’t get a lot of practice identifying our needs.
Hint: There’s a ‘you’ll know it when you see it’ quality to this.
Requests: Make a concrete request that will help meet your needs. This sounds like, “Would you be willing to…”
Hint: The request should be actionable but can be process based, such as “Would you be willing to tell me how you feel listening to what I just shared?”
Although NVC has four parts, it’s not a one and done type of thing. The goal, particularly for conflict resolution, is to engage in a back and forth conversation cycling through the process as giver and receiver attempting to clarify feelings and needs (ours and theirs). Once we land on the unmet needs fueling the feelings, an agreement can typically be reached. This often requires loosening our attachment to specific strategies. When we take responsibility for our own needs and feelings, and allow others to do the same (e.g. we don’t meet their requests at the expense of our own needs), we often find ourselves more able to give generously out of compassion and care.
Engaging in this process is often harder than it first appears. My recommendation is to start with building a feeling and need vocabulary (it can be helpful to print out a list) and practice identifying them throughout the day for yourself. It’s just as important to recognize when needs are being met as it is to recognize when they’re not.
Consider working through this process when conflict arises or you want to initiate a difficult discussion. This prompts self reflection and accountability so when you do communicate, you’re doing it from a place of mutual respect and concern.
If you think you might benefit from one-on-one support with interpersonal communication and relationships, please reach out to schedule a consultation with me.