How to Survive (And Actually Enjoy) the Holidays With Your Family
Twinkling lights, the smell of pie, snow covered trees, familiar songs and movies, quality time with loved ones - the holidays are full of nostalgia and high expectations.
Unfortunately. many people find their romanticized ideas of the holiday season shattered by the realities of family tension, conflicting values, and old behavioral patterns reemerging. Throw in changes to eating and sleeping routines and it might feel like you’re merely surviving the holiday.
If you’re planning to spend the holidays with your family this year and would like to try something different, below are tools to increase the likelihood that you’ll actually enjoy, not just survive, the holidays with your family.
Set Intentions
Take some time to think about the last holiday you spent with your family. What went well? What do you wish went differently? (Maybe you regret that fight with your sibling over seating arrangements?)
This year, try to set a goal for yourself. If you find yourself creating a list of don’ts (don’t get into arguments, don’t talk about a particular subject), try instead to think about what it is you want to do - what behavior would you like to increase?
Make a Plan
Setting a goal is a helpful first step, but research indicates we are predictably bad at predicting how we will act when in an emotional state. This means it’s easier said than done when planning to keep your cool when your mother asks (again) about the one thing you’ve asked her not to bring up.
In order to increase the likelihood you’ll follow through with your plan, you can utilize research-backed self-regulatory strategies of mental contrasting and implementation strategies. Mental contrasting involves creating a commitment to the desired goal and then contrasting it with realistic obstacles. Implementation strategies involve creating if-then plans to help you overcome those obstacles. A helpful acronym to guide you through this process is WOOP (Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan). — (see example at end of post).
Wish: What is your wish or goal?
Outcome: What would be the best outcome of fulfilling your wish? Take time to imagine it.
Obstacle: What is the main inner obstacle (something you have control over) that holds you back from fulfilling your wish? Take time to imagine the obstacle.
Plan (What can you do to overcome your obstacle? If (obstacle), then I will (behavior plan).
In the time leading up to your visit home, review and imagine or visualize your WOOP to increase the likelihood you’ll follow through with your plan when you’re in a hot state.
Practice Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation
When we’re wrapped up in creating the perfect holiday celebration, we sometimes forget to stop and enjoy the moment. Mindfulness is simply paying attention to the present moment in an accepting and non-judgmental way. And while it’s simple, it’s not easy and requires practice.
If we can bring mindfulness with us to our family gatherings, we might be more able to let go of expectations and judgmental thoughts and have more space to find joy in small moments.
Practicing mindfulness can also help us notice and acknowledge feelings of stress or unhappiness. When we notice these feelings, we can remind ourselves that they will pass. We can also take steps to relax our bodies so we’re better able to respond to the situation in a thoughtful way, rather than react impulsively. When you notice you’re in a heightened state, you can:
Take a deep breath. Breathe in through your nose, sending air down to your lower belly, and then exhale slowly through your mouth. Adding a count can also be helpful. Try breathing in for a count of 4, hold for 7, and out for a count of 8 (4-7-8 breathing). Do this a few times to help you physiologically and emotionally relax.
Pay attention to your thoughts: Recognize thoughts that catastrophize the situation or are extreme or all-or-nothing. These thoughts often lead to negative emotions. Test these thoughts against reality. Can you think of a more balanced, realistic thought?
3. Be curious about your emotion.
Try to treat yourself as you would treat a good friend. Ask yourself why you’re feeling upset and try to identify what need is not being met. Also, check-in on vulnerability factors. Are you feeling hungry, tired, or overstimulated?
Set Boundaries
Boundaries are specific to each person and each relationship and are often closely tied with our values. Sometimes, setting boundaries means saying no. This might be particularly difficult when it comes to our family. This holiday season, your boundary might be staying for dinner without spending the night or staying in a hotel instead of your family’s home. You might be considering an alternative to a big celebration and visiting separately with family members or even skipping the gathering all together.
Whatever you decide, role-playing and practicing assertive communication can be helpful. Communicating our needs in a compassionate and empathic way while holding our boundaries is not something we’re naturally born with. It's a skill we can learn.
Take Breaks When You Need Them
Holidays can be stressful. It might be helpful to build in some breaks to help you re-energize and destress. If the space is available, a break can include alone time in an unused room. If the house is busy, you can volunteer to run an errand or simply go for a walk around the neighborhood. You might also consider using this time to call a supportive friend.
If you can’t get away, you can get creative. For example, if you need a break from small talk and catching up with relatives you see infrequently, you can give yourself a break by taking on a role, such as setting the table or taking out the trash.
Maintain Aspects of Your Routine
If you’re having an extended stay with your family for the holiday, a change in your regular routine might contribute to a negative emotional state. If you’re in your childhood home, you might even find yourself slipping into old habits, like staying up late watching tv. You don’t have to be rigid about your routine during a holiday break, but maintaining aspects of it can be comforting and increase your sense of control. So if you normally stretch in the morning and read before bed, maintaining these small habits can go a long way in helping you survive the holiday.
Honor Family Tradition (Or Create New Ones)
Before you roll your eyes and opt-out of the family tradition this year, consider that research suggests engaging in family rituals can act as a buffer against holiday stress by increasing feelings of closeness and enjoyment during the holiday. So whether your ritual involves baking, cooking, or watching an old movie, participating in these activities might help you get in the holiday spirit and actually enjoy the holiday with your family.
And if your family doesn’t have a holiday ritual, you might consider introducing one this year. Ideas include a game for all ages (e.g. charades) or going around and sharing a favorite family memory.
Chat with Your Therapist
Family dynamics and politics are complex and can be extra stressful around the holidays. Our families are made up of imperfect humans, not characters from a T.V. holiday special. If you’re going into your family holiday celebration hoping that this year things will be different, it might be helpful to consider that the difference can start with you - your mood and behavior can have an effect on other people, and sometimes we can be the ones to break a cycle. But for some, the best thing might be to consider the cost/benefit of attending family holidays and potentially opting out. When it comes to the complexity of family systems, it’s often helpful to have the support of a trained professional to help you identify behavior patterns and learn new ways of relating and communicating with your family.
References
Adriaanse, M., Oettingen, G., Gollwitzer, P., Hennes, E., de Ridder, D., & de Wit, J. (2010). When planning is not enough: Fighting unhealthy snacking habits by mental contrasting with implementation intentions (MCII). European Journal Of Social Psychology, 40(7), 1277-1293. https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.730
Duckworth, A., Kirby, T., Gollwitzer, A., & Oettingen, G. (2013). From Fantasy to Action Mental Contrasting with Implementation Intentions (MCII) Improves Academic Performance in Children. Social Psychological And Personality Science, 4(6), 745-753. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550613476307
Gollwitzer, P. (1999). Implementation intentions: Strong effects of simple plans. American Psychologist, 54(7), 493-503. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066x.54.7.493
Houssais, S., Oettingen, G., & Mayer, D. (2013). Using mental contrasting with implementation intentions to self-regulate insecurity-based behaviors in relationships. Motivation And Emotion, 37(2), 224-233. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-012-9307-4
Loewenstein, G. (1996). Out of Control: Visceral Influences on Behavior. Organizational Behavior And Human Decision Processes, 65(3), 272-292. https://doi.org/10.1006/obhd.1996.0028
Saddawi-Konefka, D., Baker, K., Guarino, A., Burns, S., Oettingen, G., Gollwitzer, P., & Charnin, J. (2017). Changing Resident Physician Studying Behaviors: A Randomized, Comparative Effectiveness Trial of Goal Setting Versus Use of WOOP. Journal Of Graduate Medical Education, 9(4), 451-457. https://doi.org/10.4300/jgme-d-16-00703.1
Sezer, O., Norton, M., Gino, F., & Vohs, K. (2016). Family Rituals Improve the Holidays. Journal Of The Association For Consumer Research, 1(4), 509-526. https://doi.org/10.1086/688495
WOOP Example:
Wish: I wish to remain respectful and calm when speaking with my mother-in-law.
Outcome: Fulfilling this wish would result in a more enjoyable day for me and my family.
Obstacle: I often become defensive when I perceive criticism and respond in a negative tone.
Plan: If I think I am being criticized, then I can take a deep breath and say to myself “she is entitled to her opinion and it’s okay if she disagrees with me” and I can say to my mother-in-law “That’s interesting” / “I hadn’t considered that” / “This is the way I prefer to do it” / “I’d rather not discuss this topic today.”